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First blog post

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This blog is suppose to help others but also me, to get to know more about PTSD , Anxiety Depression and BPD and how you can learn to deal with it. I still have a long journey in front of me, but I will get there

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Suicide doesn’t kill people, but sadness does

In the recent few weeks we seen what mental Illness can do to people.

Famous faces like Anthony Bourdain to Kate Spade and Peter Stringfellow took there own life. We don’t know all details but many of them had Depression and nobody knew this. They didn’t speak about it themselves and they were more known for the wonderful shiny things they created or their talent with cooking etc pp. The media picks up on this, which is good,it spreads more awarness, it shows us, also that all the money in world can’t make us happy and that people with all the money, who would have all the resources on the hand still die, by taking their own life.

But then I wonder, what is going on with all the people who suffer in silence, who can’t afford counselling, who are on long waiting list for mental health services and who are to ashamed to reach out for help. I know how hard it was for me, to get help.  I mean first I believed I was physically sick, and for some reason I would have been ok with this. People would  have felt bad for me and would have called and texted. But as longer the journey went on and I learned about all my Mental Illnesses, it was hard accept and harder to write about it. People didn’t text or call, because all the sudden they didn’t know if it was the right time, etc.  See if the normal Joe has a Mental Illness or commits suicide, the media doesn’t pick up on it. Obituaries usually doesn’t mention what happened. Sudden death, … taken to young , unexpected death would be the headline of an Obituary. Because many are still so ashamed of all this.

The thing is, if friends and family and strangers would listen better, and mental Illness wouldn’t have a stigma attached, and the government, would make Mental Illness a accepted Illness and would give easier access to Mental Health Services , there would be so much more chances to safe peoples lives.

And this is exactly the reason why I decided to write my blog again. Awareness is just the first step, accepting a person and loving a person with Mental Illness is the goal of it all. Seeing Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar etc as an Illness like Diabetes or a Heart-disease would reaching out for help so much easier.And I am sure less people would die!

It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply

Its been a while… I really didnt know if I should start writing again, what I should write, should I wirte the whole truth or just part of it. Mental Illness still has such a big stigma, but some Disorders are more accepted then others. Some become slowly but surely normal and “OK” to society and some have a bad reputation. For the last two weeks I was thinking, what if I write it all, what will people think, but in the end I want to help people with this blog. It’s not so much about me, it’s more about spreading more then just awareness into the field of Mental Disorders.  So I decided to write about it all. And leave you, reader to decide what to do with this information and my hope is, that you will still see me as Sam and just Sam

Many might asked why I stopped writing, also I had great feedback to this side.
It’s simply because I  needed some time to process the new diagnosis I got from seeing two Psychiatrist. I remember leaving the office in tears and thinking reality is so not real right now. On the other hand there was a sense of relief.  I mean you all knew I struggle with Anxiety and Panic Attacks. I wrote many blog post about this and how it feels. But there was always the feeling in me, that also some people can develop Anxiety just like that, usually there is a reason for it. But here is the thing: I don’t have just Anxiety and a Panic Disorder. After many test and trials they did finally figured on whats going on with me and why certain meds didn’t help and why Therapy wasn’t successful. In matter of fact I was officially diagnoses with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder ) but I don’t have a Panic Disorder, also I have Panic Attacks. I was also diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder and BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder ) or also called Emotional Intensity Disorder.

I know BPD has a bad reputation out there. Most people will think of a girl, who is manipulative, self-harming and having bad temper tantrums. We probably all seen Movies like Fatal Attraction or Girl Interrupted, which shows a pretty dark side of BPD.
But in reality not every person with BPD, has all those dark traits. Some might be more defined then other traits.  I like the term Emotional Intensity Disorder better. Because it describes the true nature of BPD better. Because our emotions feel to us more intense.  And that can be positive or negative. Here are some examples, a person who doesn’t  have this Disorder, can feel disappointed about something, for me it feels as the world goes down, or people who are in a group and have fun, for me this can be horrible, because I just feel like I am outsider, I don’t have much self esteem, but on the outside, you might never guess, that I am constantly feeling unwanted, not loved, or thinking people make fun of me, because my hair doesn’t look great on this day, etc. But I also can get angry, and I try to keep in down, but when it comes out it,comes out. And for all those people I have screamed and yelled at, I apologize. But we are also very sensitive, which can be a good thing, because we can pick up on other peoples feelings easily and try to help, sometimes to much. Most things are black and white. Finding the grey area is something we need to learn. For me I am always scared, people will leave me for some reason, I often think I am not desirable in social settings, I have a pretty low self-esteem, I always find something wrong with me or others. I judge people, because I am scared to be judged myself, and yes some scares you see on me, are from self-harming. When my emotions get to intense, then this is a way to let out the pain. This is not a cry for help or attention seeking, This is a tool for me to deal with pain and it is a curse, because in the moment it feels so good, and then it starts all over again, because you feel so so ashamed of yourself. I try to hide it and hope nobody finds out what I did.

There is way more to this, then I can write into this blog post today, but I will continue writing

So how come some people like me, get this Disorder? Well it has two components, genetic and trauma in childhood and early adulthood. The good news is there is Therapy out there, who can help to life with this and the beauty of it is, that with Therapy, traits of Borderline can get less and less and I wouldn’t exactly say you will be cured, but you will be able to control it to a point, that you know longer qualify for diagnosis.

Her is a little poem which I want to share, written by Judy Baldus

Inside My Box

I have this little box,
That’s my safety zone.
I go inside my box,
When I want to be alone

In the first corner of this box,
My filters stand in wait,
For my little gray cloud ,
To try and open the gate.

There are filters of abandonment,
Mistrust and deprivation,
And filters of vulnerability,
And I don’t want to face them

The little gray cloud tells me,
Not to trust anyone,
For you only  get hurt again,
And you have nowhere to run.

But trust is something I must do
If I am ever to get well,
And not to listen to that gray cloud,
And to believe that I won’t fail.

So I must step outside this box,
And let go of all my fears,
That have haunted me,
For all those years.

 

I leave you guys with this poem and I hope it will help people out there. But I also hope that people will understand me better. I will write more about this, because I still learn so much about this Illness, in Therapy and this part of Therapy is very hard to do. It is challenging, but I am willing to put the work in, so I can have a happy and emotionally stable future.

God will fight your battles if you just keep still. He is able to carry you through. Trust Him. Keep standing, keep believing and keep hoping

I will put my blog on ice for a while! I’m sorry to everyone! I will be back writing eventually!

I seen a psychiatrist and some may have wondered that I didn’t make great progress in my recovery is hard as I tried to battle my Anxiety and Panic Disorder.

But the psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD and another Mental Disorder which I just got the results today from and I am not ready to share this! Or might never .

All I ask is prayers that God sees me through this.

Love Sam

Pain is real, but so is HOPE

The last few weeks haven’t been great. But I am so thankful for the support I have.
Work has been a battle. And I don’t expect anyone to understand it. For me it feels right now more like punishment, going to work with a smile on your face, when you feel inside so broken. After my pastor reached out to me and I actually had the chance to talk him, I was able to probably spill almost all my beans out. Just say I cried for almost the entire hour. And sometimes crying can be such a relieve. And people who know me, now that I hate crying.  But I had lots of tears lately. Either or talking with him, helped me a bit, to see things in a different light.

Still managing life, managing your Anxiety and the Panic Attacks, makes it hard. If there wouldn’t be HOPE! And I am not a person who ever wants to give up. So I am fighting this battle and pray to God that he sees me through.  Or maybe I have to learn to life with my new “normal” . I can’t forget some things have been improved. I am able to get out and go shopping most times. Sometimes struggling, sometimes being totally normal. And I mean that huge. And I am very thankful for the techniques I learned and the prayers they have been answered before going to places and the prayers from others.

The end of the month I gonna see a Psychiatrist and I hope that will give some more answers. There have been so many things in my past, people don’t know and I am not able to share this all yet. But it has to do with lots of emotional and physical pain and lots of guilt and shame. And sometimes those things are are coming out slowly but surely and I hope that I can get some answers from this Doctor.

I cant wait to write I totally positive blog post. But like I said there is pain, but so is HOPE!

I found this quote also very beautiful and it hangs now on my bathroom mirror:

DEAR GOD, I TRIED MY BEST, BUT IF TODAY I LOOSE MY HOPE
PLEASE TELL ME, THAT YOUR PLANS ARE BETTER THEN MY DREAMS!

Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t and start loving yourself for everything you already are!

I always try to start my blog post with an inspirational quote, because I feel like it helps me just finding those quotes in the world wide web. And some are so so true. And I always hope I can inspire others with this as well.

The last week was pretty okay, besides Friday, where I actually had to cancel work, because I had another major Panic Attack and I was so exhausted after, that I was even scared of just driving to work and dealing with people at work. And like Anxiety is, then you beat yourself up for doing so. But tomorrow is Monday and a new work day and a new chance to beat the feeling.

But today I want to talk a bit  about family and friends. And how they can deal with me.
Now this sounds horrible lol…. anyways…. In the time of being of work and when I somewhat made it public on Facebook and other social media sides, I noticed I didn’t get many calls or messages from people. And now after I started to go more out again and meet people again, a lot of people say: ” I didn’t know, how you are feeling or if you wanted a call or a message and I didn’t even know what to say ” Awe…I get that! And I feel sorry I didn’t reach out to people, but I was in a place where I couldn’t. I have some very close friends and my family who was and is still very supportive.  But I do understand the uneasy feeling, of some people because they Mental Health has still a stigma attached, also on January 31 was Bell Let’s Talk Day and I felt like people understand more and support Mental Health more. But we need to talk about it more and make it more “normal” and not just one day a year.

I might not pick up the phone, but chances are I would call back well honestly text back. I always write back messages, when I feel I am in a good place. In the end Mental Health is the same as Physical Health and there is nothing scary about.  But as much as people started talking to me about it and how they felt, I realised and I mean I knew that anyways it’s not all about me.
It’s difficult for friends, it’s difficult for family, it’s difficult for my spouse and I just want to say don’t worry so much, to everyone, because I already worry about everything.

I found a good link I think which I would like to share here:

22 things people with Anxiety want their friends to know

And I know it is hard on my husband as well. And I feel bad about it. He works so much hours at work and when he comes home, he doesn’t always know what to expect. And that is hard on him.  And that breaks my heart.  He is so caring and loving towards me and he has the most respect from me. I don’t get really any anger outburst like the link said. But sometimes I am happy, sometimes sad, sometimes I try to hide it all, sometimes it just comes all out. Sometimes I feel like I wanna lay down, sometimes I would like to do something. Sometimes I wanna talk about it and sometimes I don’t.  I just can imagine how that would feel to a partner. But we always say we are in this together and will get through this together.  I  just wish I could make him feel better about it all. And I wish he would’t worry about me so much.  I just wanna say to him it will be alright.

Every day is a new day and a new chance to make things better and I really have to learn to take it one day at a time. I feel like I have come so far from when it first started, that even a setback, is just a setback. I wanna look positive into the future and will continue with counselling, work and exercise. The last few weeks I slagged a bit with exercising. But then my puppy keeps me on my toes.

There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think

The last two weeks have been a bit harder, then I hoped. I mean I learned so much about Anxiety and Panic Disorder, since I got diagnosed with it. And there comes a point where you really think, you got this now, just to make few steps back. I don’t know if it has something to do, with going back to work, or just generally having a hard time accepting that I have it. My doctor put me yet on another medication on top what I am already taking, to hopefully make things a little smoother for me. I also got a referral for a psychiatrist, to confirm that there is hopefully no underlying issues in my mental health. Also my counsellor thinks, I might also have PTSD. Lets hope this is not the case.
But like it is with Anxiety, you totally get into the thinking overdrive.

But I am so committed to beat this. Sometimes this makes it a bit stressful for me. Because there are lots of times I see success. Like going back to work. I mean, I made it! How did it feel?  Well somewhat good for my self-esteem, because I feel like I am doing something and fight my anxiety, but on the other hand it spikes my Anxiety up so high at times, that the most littlest things make me crazy.

This week I was on vacation, which was planned since a year. Me and my husband where able to spend some time together and I am so happy he got some relaxation. Because he worked lots of hours. What brings me down, is that I used to do that as well. Work was basically everything I did, and now I am not functioning, like I used to and that brings me really down.  But in my time off sick, I realised also, that work is not everything. It still bugs me tho, that I am not able to completely perform as I wish or should.

I so want to write a completely positive blog post today. But it seems today isn’t that day. After my last post my pastor actually reached out to me and I will meet him next week for a conversation. Maybe this will help also.

The thing is I tell people all the time to not live in the past, but I still have so many issues from my past, that it is hard to get through those moments for me.

In the book John bought me for Christmas “You can do this ” from Tricia Lott Williford, is a simple prayer, which I think I will make mine : God , let me be the answer to someones prayer  today. Guide my path, that I cross theirs. And what ever you put before me today, I promise to do my very best.”  I like this prayer because it steers away from my own sadness, but also gives comfort, because we humans are able to at least try to do our best. Even when we struggle with Anxiety and Depression and sad emotions.  Because the worst thing is, when we give up the fight! And I know there are tons of better moments to come in my life.

So with this prayer, I will close this blog post today and I hope all my readers have a great weekend!

Life always offers you a second chance, it’s called tomorrow

So my meeting on Friday went well. I just gonna work a few hours a week and for the first 3 or 4 weeks and then hopefully I can turn back to a normal schedule.

The day before my first day back to work wasn’t very good for me. Just the thought of going back to work, made me very anxious and panicky. We went to puppy class, with our lovely little guy, who turned out to be the biggest guy in class lol. I thought I had him quit well trained for his age. He just got 3 month old. Nothing of that training he showed in class. lol he was so easily distracted by everything. And I battled a Panic Attack during the time, which didn’t help. Enclosed rooms, the pressure that I wanted him to be perfect ( I am such a perfectionist ) and knowing work will be tomorrow, spiked my Anxiety so high! Which makes me think, it’s incredible how your mind works. And not in a good way. It is just hard sometimes to get out of it. And sure I forgot all my tools I had learned and tried to fight it so bad, but in all the wrong ways. Like in those situations I call myself all kinds of names, stupid and dumb etc. I get angry with myself.  But I survived.

Tho Monday comes around and I decided to post a note on facebook with a picture of me in my scrubs and my wedding pic in the background, telling people here I am ready for my first day back to work. And to be honest, I just wanted some positive inspiring messages or comments, because I needed it. And I got it.  This is no way attention seeking, sometimes you just need some affirmation, that you are on the right track. And it was overwhelming the support and love I got. I read all the comments before I went into my work place and I prayed and I walked into work, like I always did. And the day went so well. I had some Anxiety but I didn’t get a Panic Attack and that was a huge success.
One comment touched me very much. It was from my first Pastor,when I came to Canada. He wrote : “You got this, because God’s got you! Praying for you today ”  This touched me deeply. I haven’t been to his church in years, because I changed churches when I got back to New Brunswick from Ontario and go where my husband goes. And all the time, while I was sick, my own pastor never asked if I need help or if he can pray for me. So yes that made a deep impact on me. Also there where tons of other people praying and a pastors prayers isn’t more important, it just touched me after all those years.

Tomorrow will be the second day of work and I kinda look forward to it.

Next week John and I are on vacation, which is a little funny since I just started going back to work, but my vacation was already approved a half year ago and I am going to enjoy some time off with my husband.

I also continue counselling, since this is an important step for my future success and for sure will keep writing this blog.

Thank you again to everyone, who supports me so much in my journey. It’s helps alot.
I will never know how to thank my husband, for his patience with me. Because I am sure it is not easy for him all the time either. But I am so blessed I have him in my life.